sugarplum15

I’m crying because I can’t seem to make it this one thing that i’ve been fighting my whole life for, happen. The weight must be my comfort blanket because when I loose it, it reappears and makes me feel like my “old self”. And when “new reform self” meets “old self”, “old self” has a way of taking over. Now i’m hating my “old/new self” hybrid. I know i’m capable of loosing the weight because i’ve lost weight before so WHY AM I COMFORTABLE GAINING IT BACK?  This is why I cry. Because I KNOW I AM CAPABLE I just don’t DO IT.

So WHY AM I Still in tears? Why am I still more than 100lbs overweight? Am I really comfortable and HAPPY at the weight i’m at now? Really?

A few weeks I went to jazz in the gardens with a great friend of mine. While we were leaving, he ran into a co-worker of his. He spoke to that guy like I wasn’t even there. I thought that maybe he couldn’t remember the guys name but that wasn’t it.  Of’course he wouldn’t tell me the real reason, but he didn’t introduce me to his “friend” because I don’t fit the image of a “woman” he would wanna be seen with. THAT HURT because he’s suppose to be one of my best friends and for him to do that to me, hurt even more.  A REALITY PUNCH in the gut…that brought me back to step 1

Changes? What changes have I implemented and have actually started doing? I had planned to work out but that didn’t happen, unless i’m counting walking up and down some stairs (NOPE!). What I am proud of is my eating habits. Nothing too complicated, just watching what I eat and drinking loads more water… which definitely will be increasing when i start working my butt off.

Was watching Making the Band and one of the guys made this statement “When God has granted everything that you wanted, why are you still crying??” WOW!! Powerful words and that’s going to be my next blog… Why am I still CRYING??

I’ve been letting myself go since the last time I was on this site and thanx to a buddy, i’m now back. Yes sirree, I am back!”I’ve been gone for a minute now i’m back, it’s da jump off” (Lil Kim~lol). Gatta get my weight back in check. Lately, I would exercise for a week, then I would slip up…my sis who was working out with me, unintentionally got pregnant and rarely wants to leave the bed. So now i’m stuck with just me “again”. I’ve gained back some pounds and the only thing that keeps me “some-what” in line is the threat of reaching 300lbs again. So, yes another week, another year, another motivation (? that one i’m still working on) and another beginning.

Let’s get it started!!!

Today, I wanted to actually believe that I have lost weight. So I decided to go into my closet and take out the clothes that I kept knowing they couldn’t fit me but refused to give away. When I started this Journey, the first thing I did was clean out my closet. I got rid of all the clothes that I have been hoarding since I moved out of my parents house/ since i left for college. I think that was a small part of “cleansing” me.

Today, I got out my silk pants, that I’ve only worn once and they fit…NO I was actually able to pull them up my thighs, pull it together in order to fasten it and then zip it up. UNBELIEVABLE!!! I had space in them LOL
Then there was this skirt that I had bought, still had the price tags on it and for the life of me, don’t know why i kept it because it UGLY (lol). But it too fit and is quite big. (now it can go) After that, I just started taking things out and I just became excited to try on clothes. It’s kinda like shopping in my own home and loving how I felt rather than how it looked. Now I can’t wait to go shopping and feel good instead of hot and miserable because the clothes can’t fit over my thighs or can’t zip up….. I”m really on my way    

I saw this on a guy’s shirt while at the gym and for some odd reason it stuck with me. It made me think of my goals and where I want to be. The truth is IF I don’t succeed with shedding the pounds I WILL suffer- High Blood Pressure, Diabetes, Infertility, Depression etc.. Those are things I shouldn’t be thinking of because i’m still young. So, SUFFERING is not an option for me. Just found out my mom is diabetic so I have a high propensity for getting diabetes. Can’t have that so I have to SUCCEED. Succeeding means no longer living with the thought that I can become ill with a preventative disease. I’m in for the fight of my life so “Succeed or Suffer” is now my new motto.. Failure is not an option

For the past couple months i’ve been wanting to see the changes that everybody else said they’ve bee noticing. I didn’t want to be “fake” or have them thinking i was modest, so I got use to saying “i notice it too”but really wasn’t. But today was my day. While in the gym, I was passing this big mirror in the locker room and low and behold, my stomach was a lot smaller. I had to pull up my shirt to make sure i wasn’t seeing things and I wasn’t. WOOHOOO!! I finally see the CHANGES. My hips are smaller, thighs has gone down and the stomach is SMALLER… a lot smaller.

It’s something i’ve been struggling with, not losing the weight but actually believing it’s gone and gone for good. The DONE girls TEAM mentioned that we say “we’ve LOST pounds as if we’re looking to find it”. I don’t want to see those pounds ever again. Maybe for me it’s that I wasn’t feeling like the pounds were really gone. I’ve LET GO of those thoughts and it feels as if a load has been lifted from my shoulders. My trainer thinks i’m nuts because anytime someone looses a pound they should be happy -except me. but it’s ok. I’ve ACCEPTED the NEW ME and learning to LOVE every hopeless inch or inch less of me..

The pic is how I kinda look… it is enhanced in various areas but it is my body

Looking back on my life as a “big girl” I have to wonder where did I give up on me in order to let myself get to this weight? Could it be when I was 9 years old? Very few people know about my personal demons and I know what they are and have acknowledged them. My issues regarding kids/ men will always be there and will require me to always think and consider my past. I have been self medicating using food as a protector. If I ate or gained weight then I wouldn’t have to protect myself from the attention of men while growing up. Parents? Please, my folks never paid any attention to me because I did what I was suppose to. Never spoke of what my dad did to my mom, I cleaned the house, cooked dinner everyday, made sure my sisters did their homework and had their uniforms ironed for school, and of’ course made sure my grades were ok. During all my time living at “home” I tried my hardest to never be there. School was like a haven and I did everything there was in order to be there. I was the biggest person on the swim team, the volleyball team, football/ soccer team, chess team anything….

During my teens, I never dated because I was always told the story that if I continued gaining weight I will be like this one girl that everyone knows, whose dad had to pay someone to marry her. Well, what did that do? How about talk to older guys (for some reason that was all I did. Just Talk) and became friends with a girl who I thought was my best friend who then got involved with a guy I had a crush on… lol (It brings back memories.) So I became the fine guys’ best friend- the one that everyone can talk to. I took the safe route.

Again, when did I give up on me?

My sister asked me when was the last time I was “skinny”? There’s a picture of me when I was 7/8 and I was a beanpole. It hurts to think about that girl, so innocent and full of life that had no idea that what was about to happen, was/is not the norm and should not take place. Today, I do wonder if the guys ever think about “her” in any way? When they see me do they feel sorry? Are they tortured with thoughts that pop up once in a while about that time? I wonder because I do have those sporadic thoughts… The last time I was “skinny” was probably the last time I actually really thought I was priceless and actually cared about me.

Growing up into who I am, hell yeah I love me. But I have compartmentalized the girl I was from the woman I am. It’s like living 2 lives. One who I am that everyone likes and think they know and the other is everything that I can’t hide from that very few people get to see. I am trying to merge the two and that will probably take more time. But since I have found me and enjoying the fact that I am making “ME” count, it’s getting easier to face the reasons why I became who I am. I will never again have someone else make me feel so invaluable that I don’t feel worthy.

It’s funny that while I was working my butt off on the elliptical today, I realized into my 40th minute that being beautiful is soo much work. I mean, the up keep of the hair, nails, pedicures, teeth/ smile, eyebrows AND of course working out to make sure we stay fit. I mean even the skinniest of women have to endure the tediousness of being beautiful, which makes me ask the question, “Is anyone naturally beautiful anymore?” Well I am, with all the necessities i mentioned above and a little humility to spice it up lol. So, while working out i’m now thinking of looking a little bit prettier instead of the mess I usually am…. Can’t wait LMAO

This past week i’ve had interesting conversations regarding my selfishness. Now, don’t get me wrong, i’m one of the most giving person you can find. That’s why I was told it’s ok to be SELFISH. Selfish, meaning SELF-Interested, SELF-Seeking and SELF- Absorbed, is what I should be, in regards to my getting healthy and loosing this baggage that I’ve been carrying around since I was 9 (I will address that issue in another blog soon). I have to become ABSORBED in myself in order for me to achieve my goal; INTERESTED enough to care about my health in order to SEEK the treatment necessary to accomplish what others perceive as unattainable and inaccessible. SO HELL YEAH -I’m no longer in denial….right now I’M SELFISH!!! lol